The Pivotal Role of Grief in Healing Trauma
The heart is a gateway, capable of transforming pain into something bearable, and sometimes even beautiful. But it is one of the first things that shuts off in response to trauma.
After experiencing acute or prolonged trauma, particularly in conditions like PTSD, the brain and body become locked in survival states. The nervous system, governed by the autonomic branches-the sympathetic (fight or flight) and parasympathetic (rest and digest)-often becomes dysregulated. In response to trauma, we may be trapped in hyperarousal, where the sympathetic system is overactivated, keeping us on constant alert, or hypoarousal, where the parasympathetic system dominates, leading to emotional numbness, dissociation, or shutdown.
In this state, the brain undergoes significant changes, especially within the limbic system-the emotional centre. The amygdala, responsible for detecting threats, becomes hypersensitive, while the prefrontal cortex, which governs logic, reasoning, and impulse control, can be impaired. Meanwhile, the hippocampus, which processes memory, struggles to differentiate between past and present, keeping us locked in the traumatic event as if it were happening in real time.
Healing from trauma requires rewiring these neural pathways, and recent research done by the HeartMath Institute, shows that the heart and brain are deeply interconnected.
In terms of heart-brain communication, it is generally well-known that the efferent (descending) pathways in the autonomic nervous system are involved in the regulation of the heart. However, it is less appreciated that the majority of fibers in the vagus nerves are afferent (ascending) in nature. Furthermore, more of these ascending neural pathways are related to the heart (and cardiovascular system) than to any other organ.[15] This means the heart sends more information to the brain than the brain sends to the heart. — HeartMath
Re-opening the heart, both metaphorically and physiologically, creates the conditions necessary for neuroplasticity-the brain’s ability to change and adapt, helping to integrate trauma stored in the body by calming the overactive amygdala and reactivating the prefrontal cortex.
This allows the body to move from sympathetic dominance to a more balanced state of homeostasis, where both the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems are working harmoniously.
The heart was reclassified as part of the hormonal system in 1983, when a new hormone produced and secreted by the atria of the heart was discovered. Nicknamed the balance hormone, it plays an important role in fluid and electrolyte balance and helps regulate the blood vessels, kidneys, adrenal glands and many regulatory centers in the brain. Increased atrial peptide inhibits the release of stress hormones, reduces sympathetic outflow and appears to interact with the immune system. The heart contains cells that synthesize and release catecholamines (norepinephrine, epinephrine and dopamine), and manufactures and secretes oxytocin, which can act as a neurotransmitter and commonly is referred to as the love or socialbonding hormone. — HeartMath
As the heart opens, oxytocin, also the hormone of connection and safety, begins to flow, countering the stress hormones of cortisol and adrenaline.
It sounds nice, but often, when we are in survival mode, the self-preservation mechanism over-rides the pursuit of peace, love and happiness, and it is easy to leave the heart behind.
Acknowledging the part of grief in trauma has, in my journey, been the portal through which to access the heart and transcend fear states.
Grief when intertwined with trauma, goes beyond the emotional experience of mourning the loss of a loved one. It penetrates deeply into our nervous system, manifesting as a profound physiological and psychological experience.
“Like many other stressors, grief frequently leads to changes in the endocrine, immune, autonomic nervous, and cardiovascular systems; all of these are fundamentally influenced by brain function and neurotransmitters. They may be primarily adaptive physiologic responses that in some persons become maladaptive and physiologically deleterious.” — National Library of Medicine
When trauma occurs, whether through illness, abuse, or any form of life-altering disruption, we are not simply grieving the event itself; we are grieving the countless layers of loss that ripple out from it.
Grief connected to trauma is complex because it often involves mourning intangible or invisible losses. This form of grief isn’t always tied to a person’s death-it’s about the loss of parts of ourselves, of our dreams, our autonomy, our sense of safety, and even our fundamental trust in the world. Trauma can rob us of our vitality, leaving us to grieve the health we once took for granted. Chronic illness, for instance, forces us to mourn the active, carefree lives we once lived. The body we once trusted to carry us with strength becomes a source of betrayal, and we grieve the time and energy stolen by pain and limitation.
Similarly, when trauma arises from abusive relationships, we grieve not only the relationship itself but the time, self-respect, and trust we sacrificed to that dynamic. In abusive or toxic relationships, the loss is multilayered. We may mourn the person we thought our partner was, the future we envisioned, and even our sense of identity, which becomes warped by manipulation and fear. These relationships often undermine our sense of self-worth, and when they end, we are left grieving the person we used to be before the trauma reshaped us-someone who once believed in their own value and who trusted others more freely. It is the loss of trust in ourselves, in our ability to choose wisely, and in our intuition that can be the most devastating.
In all these cases, the heart becomes the center of this pain, both emotionally and biologically. The heart is intimately connected with our emotional regulation through the vagus nerve, which plays a crucial role in how our body responds to trauma. When grief strikes, the heart can feel physically burdened. We use metaphors like “heartache” or “a broken heart” because trauma and grief truly do affect the cardiovascular system. Stress hormones like cortisol flood our system during traumatic experiences, constricting blood vessels and reducing heart rate variability, making it harder for the body to return to a state of calm. The emotional weight of loss is compounded by the body’s physiological response to trauma.
Furthermore, grief related to trauma is painful because it forces us to confront the very core of our vulnerability as humans. We grieve not only what we lost, but also the idea that we were ever safe or in control. Trauma shatters our assumptions about the world-about who we are and what we can expect from life. It strips us of illusions, leaving us raw and exposed. This rawness is painful because it requires us to navigate the unknown, a world where the stability we once counted on no longer exists. This is why, in trauma-related grief, we often feel untethered, as though we have lost not only people, health, or relationships but also a sense of continuity and belonging.
The process of healing from this kind of grief involves recalibrating the nervous system and restoring the heart’s capacity for openness and connection. Neuroplasticity allows the brain to change, but this requires consistent, intentional work. Practices like mindfulness, trauma-informed therapy, and heart-centered practices such as meditation, somatic therapy, or simply nurturing loving relationships help restore the brain-body connection. These practices calm the overactive amygdala, reduce the flood of stress hormones, and help re-establish a sense of safety within the body. The heart can slowly begin to open again, allowing feelings of love, trust, safety and freedom to reemerge.
This act of vulnerability-reopening the heart after trauma-challenges our most primal instincts to remain defended. Yet it is only by cultivating this openness, by choosing to trust again despite our body’s protective mechanisms, that true healing can occur. The brain, through repeated safe experiences of connection, gradually rewires itself. The amygdala calms, the hippocampus recodes memories more accurately, and the prefrontal cortex regains control, allowing us to process events from a place of stability without stimulating visceral flashbacks.
When we allow ourselves to mourn not only what was lost but also what could have been-we begin to process the trauma rather than stay trapped in it. This is how the heart reclaims its capacity for love and trust. It is only by moving through the pain, by accepting that grief and trauma have changed us, that we can find a new way of being-a life where we can once again experience joy, connection, and peace, despite the suffering we have endured.
The most profound acceptance I have found has been through surrendering to reality as it is, and accepting that actually, nothing that has occurred in my life has been wrong. If it was wrong, it wouldn’t have occurred that way. There is a very raw kind of peace that can be found when we can look back and see that the pain was all part of the beauty. But we mustn’t by-pass the genuine emotions of grief to get there. All must be acknowledged. True peace, healing and wisdom can only arrive after cleaning out the cobwebs of our minds and allowing light to illuminate the shadows.
